helenarasmussen87 | Recent Entries

I am trying to not neglect this one again, especially since it is one of the few windows out to the west I have so I do have some updates.

I had my first day of work and even though I only had three hours of sleep, a half-baked plan, and anxiety, I managed it. I felt the spark of teaching come back. I liked that it made sense for the students to be asking questions and listening and trying. I feed off of that and it made me go, yes. This was the right choice.

And I realised how much it had been trampled when I was in that dysfunctional shithole of a workplace. I won't slander the town cause I loved being there. I loved the silent stillness of the Tundra and the way the sky was in the middle of winter. And the Northern Lights. I miss that aspect of being there.

I don't miss the bullshit and the stupidity that ruined a good school for no damned good reason.

Which leads into the other bit of news I got: The main architect of all that horseshit was demoted and moved to another school. I'm not laughing or enjoying anynone's misfortune at all. Let me be that clear. But I felt such a VINDICATION and closure over the entire set of events. It's like HAH, I can finally close the book on this bullshit.

Everyone I told was like "Good! Consequences have been served." And honestly, I was STUNNED since that rarely happens up there. All I figure is that this person made enough enemies and missteps for them to get rid of them that decisively. And I don't care what it was. I got my vindication and my closure.

It marked me, that entire situation, but I can't continue being there. This was the last push I needed to leave it be.

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Love you madly, Cake

I had to dust this one off so I can get some kind of fandom stuff. Mainly due to my VPN sucking (Thanks Avast) and no luck until I head elsewhere to set it up. The Wall has gotten worse. Anyways, that's it. Job starts in like a week and a day and I'm just derping and setting up stuff. No one is around so I basically have an entire building to myself. I guess I can watch all the movies and shows that I've missed.

Not sure, but I give off a vibe to some people. Odd. Hebei is fucking hot. I don't like that. At least until October when it calms the fuck down. Like Chongqing in a way.

That's all.

Current Mood: determined
Current Location: Tangshan, China
Current Music: May I go, Econoline Crush

Point form cause honestly, it's been a LOT:

I ended my contract with my old job because it was honestly just killing me with stress. When you have an incompetent boss who refuses to actually do their damn job, the ship is going down and I simply couldn't stay another year. I was honestly just killing myself there and I had to choose between myself and a toxic job. So I left.
Friends...Some are a bit distant simply because I've either been sick or depressed. Even though I knew it wasn't my responsibility to fix a sinking ship, it still affected me. Being sick had me just so out of it that I did nothing for almost a month. I was that sick and that down. Some I don't even bother calling because when I suggest some activity, they never give me an actual fucking time or date. I'm funemployed at the moment. I don't want to cut into people's schedules, but if you're at work and want to see me...Well, tell me your schedule. Or actually call me to confirm. Not just chat with me and nothing is concrete.
I also give up contacting people after so long. I'm kind of done waiting for people.
Reading. Just a TON of reading because I kind of went crazy buying books and series. I got back into anime in a BIG way and have devoured most of MHA, Naruto, Demon Slayer, and what's coming up in Jujutsu Kaisen. Working my slow way through Golden Kamuy, Tokyo Revengers, and several other slice of life series going on like "A man and his cat" and "The masterful cat is depressed again".
Books. Jesus fuck have I managed to grab the lamest books man. Quite a few novels were duds and I'm annoyed that I ended up reading a few of them. The Last one I've read is "The Secret Book of Grazia dei Rossi" It's well researched and you can tell that the writing has a lot of passion behind it, but it's leaving me sort of cold in that I'm not *fully* enjoying it. I'm going to give it a go either way since I already DNF another book I had been looking forward to reading. Because it sucked.
Writing has slowed down a bit, but I am still getting ideas and stories. I slowed down significantly this year due to the events of work.
I'm not even bothering with politics since it's a clownshow nightmare.
Argentina won the World Cup. Messi can die happy, finally. Poor bastard carried this weight his entire career. He can put it down. Mbppe can fuck off for too many reasons. I didn't watch it, since blood was paid to have that in Qatar. Fuck it. But happy that Messi can be free from all the expectations and pressure and just play. He reminds me of when Crosby won the Cup for the first time. Then the gold medal in the Winter Olympics. They're free.
I'm honestly just taking it easy and bonding with the nibling's kid. She's the youngest and oh god we are trying so hard to do good by her. I worry she overthinks mistakes and I'm working on being gentler with her. I don't do that very well, so I am finding a balance and working at it with her.
Thankfully not depressed as I was prior to this month. I decorated the room a bit and have been crafting. Two stuffed rabbits, two clay rabbit slug hybrids, and some drawings. The crafting is helping me more than I realised. I honestly feel like a vet needing to heal from trauma. I should be good soon. I just need some time to just be.

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: Kanata
Current Music: HELLO TREASURE

I wish I could be a bit more clever in my titles, but I'm afraid that I haven't really the mind for it at the moment.

We are still dealing with the pandemic and people are getting restless and then some when it comes to being out. Kids are running around outside and I know that they're tired of being locked up at home, but we are in a fucking lockdown. If it was just them getting it, I wouldn't care. But with this thing spreading all over through the air...Well, it's a bit to set my teeth on edge. I just avoid people in general and get out in times when no one is around. Or many of them are around, that is.

I've had to run around for the paperwork for my job. I loved that I got an email sent to me stating the fact that I am still on track. Things are just moving slower due to what is happening with the pandemic making everything much more difficult. Getting up there is almost as time consuming and tasking as an expedition. Luckily I have four months or so to sort all of my affairs.

Writing again, and I am glad that I have gotten some of my writing interest back. I'm watching the Terror now. First season while tag teaming reading the book itself. I am not sure what to think of the book. The show is really good, but I can only stomach a few episodes due to the body horror. I've managed half of the show now.

I got to talk to my other friend that shares the same interest in Nautical history and we exchanged book recommendations on the same topic. It prompted me to rearrange my shelves so that I could have them all at hand.

Anyways, that's it for me for this week. I haven't any clue what I am going to do tomorrow.

Current Mood: calm

So my luck has definitely changed in regards to the work front. I don't want to say too much on it, but I can say for sure that I don't have to worry about the International schools being wankers. I'm also staying local. I do apologise for being vague, but it was a literal three part play that unfolded all last week before my birthday.

It is a sure thing, but I don't want to be jumping all over and screaming the news until I am on my way. The position is good for my skillset, since I did the same thing in Manitoba. I am dusting off my writing teaching hat and getting some supplies to be good on it.

Which was really good and really quiet. We just had tuna salad sandwiches and a Dairy Queen cake. Which I was literally dreaming about for ages. It is as good as advertised. My niece has been quite keen on it. She's also been quite keen to slap me on the butt as she runs by. Which is weird. Kids man.

I've been horribly consumed by "The Terror" fandom to the point that I developed a fancy for Tobias Menzies. He's Fitzjames in the show and I've been hooked on the Fitzier pairing. Loads of AU but the writing is top notch. Has definitely awakened my desire for history again. It was ebbing and flowing. I also have so many research materials of that time I am debating allocating a shelf for them.

And Rome for some reason. I have been having a hankering to re-watch "Rome" and "Persuasion." I've been slightly blah in doing so. Namely due to me being upstairs with the family and my mom isn't into that. Nor can we watch it due to the niece running around.

I am overdue for a walk today. Didn't have one yesterday. It keeps snowing and I am trying to not complain because we are always on the edge of water insecurity in this province. But damn is it getting hard to be positive with snow and coldness about. Especially with the pandemic still going on strong.

Not quite ready to let us out, but of course the shitheads are agitating to do so. NO! We need to stay in at least until June. And on top of that, my friend in B.C. is having to deal with the Education Minister wanting to open the schools before June. Not a good idea. I mean, just call it a day, give people the grades and start again in September. That's the best route.

I hope that things aren't going towards those fools is all I can say.

Current Location: home
Current Music: The Valhalla Murders

As silly as it sounds, in the midst of what is going on in the world, like the US government strategically refusing aid to states (Like NY and Massachusetts. The Patriots plane wasn't just a good will stunt, it was a necessity to get supplies) and basically stealing supplies to us and Germany and France, greedy corps using government money to pay staff instead of their own loads of cash...It gutted me as I was watching this to realize there is no Euro this year.

I started paying attention 2008. Iker Casillas was in his prime and it was the summer thing I looked forward to the most. World Cup football is always special and 2010 was no exception. 2012, I was in China watching the first games of it.

I literally was dragged out of bed by my oldest brother so we could watch the Italy and Spain final. That was just golden. 2014 World Cup and Spain fizzled out and we had Germany and Argentina facing each other again. The last time was 1990. West Germany vs Argentina. Germany won again and Messi...
2018-We were in England, watching games in so many different cities. Glasgow. Aberdeen, Liverpool. London. A dark pub, a cold pint and everyone in the pub shuffling, stirring, waiting in anticipation for the game and the action to begin. I'll never forget how it felt to watch Sweden vs England in a pub in Islington. It was just golden.

And I was SO looking forward to that! This summer, in the backyard, barbacoas, cold drinks, and the game on full blast.

And it's a small thing, but fuck, I really wanted to see the games! I wanted to see Iceland pull another bit of magic and Wales go far! I wanted to see Ireland and Northern Iron compete! Argh.

That's my small bit of disappointment there.

So the other actually cool thing that happened this week was that we FINALLY got the damned floor fixed. Old ass lino was replaced and we are all singing its praises. No tripping over the curled up bits again. Sucked we had to stay in the living room, but hey, worth it.

And the local bookstore delivers! I ended up getting my early b-day presents from there, so that made it a bit bearable. Yes, I did get more heavy books about the Franklin Expedition.

Between the show, book, and fanfiction, plus all the resources that I can get, it's been a headalong jump into this entire subject. I've started to look at other things, like papers of reconstructions and other sites, so that has been my thing lately.

Writing-I've started the plot of Jack being an experimental soldier and Rumlow and Captain America finding him and others. There is a bit of overlap with comic and movie plots, but not quite. And Rumlow is a triple agent and Jack was lost to him years ago. Maybe as a punishment. Jack himself has massive trauma, a ton of new DNA strains and a baby on the way, just for the lols, since the techs basically wanted a cheaper option to creating soldiers and also to see how far they could take the experiments.

I've got a thousand words already and I will go back to it. I've just been on and off in my sleeping patterns. I wake up far too early then crash out in the middle of the day. It could be anxiety. Or it could be low level depression. I sincerely hope not and I will try and get out more. Like walk around the area, since honestly, we are SO lucky to be in a low density city. We can easily avoid each other on walks.

And I think I need to get out just to feel the wind on my face. No matter how cold it is. We are having snow again. In April. I know. I think that may have also been why I was spurred to research more into the expedition. It's not the first time I've had a snowbound birthday. But not at this latitude!

Hair update: I look like I'm a Victorian boy ready to start my midshipman apprenticeship. Meaning it's at a silly length.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Texas-Inner Smile

It's been a few weeks since I wrote here. I'm still looking for work, but considering the shut down and the orders of quarantine, I don't know how much progress I'll make there, but I am still sending out CV's and waiting. I'm not as freaked out about it, since I know that we are all in the same boat of waiting and watching and I am in a good position being at home and contributing to the household here.

I have also realised that I will be doing my birthday under a lock down. Especially since the entire province, never mind world, has shut down. Which is hella good. This is not letting up and I doubt that it will until at least August. Maybe even September. That's my guess anyways. But I am not calling it just yet. Not like I can see the future. Lol.

Just putting some things together is part of the reason why I am saying that. But again, I'm not an oracle.

I've started to plan for my birthday because hey, gotta have something to plan for. I am going to see if I can get a Dairy Queen cake. A bit childish but oh my GOD do I love those cakes. They are so good. And I have been making my birthday gift orders and browsing.

I have been both trying to be active and also trying to work through the giant ass pile of books in my place. I am proud that I have managed to read like three books from my big ass piles of them. I have already decided that when the Wee Book Inn can open up, I'm trading a whole bunch of them. Some I just didn't click with as much as I tried.

I also ended up being fascinated again by the Franklin Expedition due to two books: Erebus and Ice Ghosts. I have stayed up a couple of nights devouring up the details of the Expedition and of the aftermath as well. I remember the HMS Terror being found and just going "Oh yeah, I remember that from my textbook". Well, it has fascinated me and I have been looking up all that I can find. Planning to watch "The Terror" as soon as I was alone.

It honestly has given me something to think about other than just checking up the numbers and feeling like crap over a situation that no one would have guessed would occur. I'm trying to pick up the knitting again, since that always soothes me and drawing again. I've got a sketch book to finish up!

So that's it and to bed I go. My ear infection is getting SO much better, but I have three more days to go with the antibiotics. Honestly so relieved that I finally am kicking it off.

And yeah. That's it.

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: HOME
Current Music: Frozen in Time audiobook

I'm still applying and applying for places, but it's looking grim. No job positions in BC have shown up yet. I'm sending my CV to Northern towns again. Im also not keen to be in Asia again, but if they're the ones calling, I should try.

I'm getting worried and anxious since I only worked a bit last year and I'm worried it might have messed up my chances in the pool. But then I do know other colleagues have taken a year and a half to get work so there's that. I do have references. But I still worry.

The pandemic isn't helping much so I have to remember that this isn't the best time, but it can be overcome. I mean, I did pick myself up in 2009 when it was much worse for me on a personal level.

Just gotta wait and see and keep trying.

I also feel more distant and more alone than before. Facing the unknown without back up sort of thing and feeling like I have to hide all of this. I'm gutted and tired and facing even worse uncertainty. And now the world has seemingly exploded and reflecting how I feel fairly often.

It's like all those years I worked to improve and how much I tried to have a stable life were for nothing. And I'm back to square one and time ran out.

But if I say anything, everyone gets anxious. And they have their own worries. Or maybe they're tired and dont care.

Right. Time to get up and pretend everything is fine.

I have either been super tired and sleeping too late, or scrambling around chasing after my niece and looking for work. But I'm back!

Anyways, It feels weird to see how the pandemic has been playing out. To be honest, I'm taking precautions and being wary. I do wash my hands and wipe down all surfaces with bleach and antisceptic wipes. I discovered Dettol in Asia, so we dilute it and wipe up stuff with it.

I also realised that since the places that I am applying to need pictures, I decided to get make up and do a proper picture. I'm just being a little lazy today and not wanting to do it just yet. I was babysitting and watching disgusting documentaries and am trying to get into the mindset to do the proper picture situation.

And also to figure out how to put on foundation. It's been quite a few years.

So yeah, that's it here.

I finally got my CV redone and I also applied to a school in Costa Rica and in Uruguay. No luck on the second one. Now I'm starting to debate whether I should apply to go up to NWT again. And i'm talking the ass end of nowhere in NWT. I am working on another international school profile while the search for positions ramps up. It's oddly still too early for the next year in some places and too late in other places. Huh. Anyways, I finally bit the bullet and just went for it in regards to the international and British schools overseas.

I am annoyed that they want pictures. But I know that it's to gauge exactly how white I am. I wish I was joking, to be honest. But many international schools sell with how many actual English (Aka white teachers) they have in the school. Or how marketable you are, I guess. I have to get a good picture taken so I can attach it. Gotta make sure the makeup is good and subtle.

Other than that, I've been sleeping early or late. I keep on waking up late in the night and yes, part of it is due to anxiety in regards to job hunting and also what will happen if I can't get out of here when the shit starts to hit the fan. Alberta is ass backwards and I want to have something steady just in case.

So that's it for the work search situation at the moment. It'll amp up, but it is a bit nerve-wracking, no matter how many times I go do it.

Anyhow. Yesterday I was running errands since I didn't want to just write in my journal that I was just waking up late and babysitting. As much as I love my niece, I admit that I need a bit more excitement in my life while I hang out here and there. Mum wanted me to send off a letter and buy more soup stock because winter has again set in for some odd reason. We are supposed to be having an early equinox, so I'm like what the hell dude. And that means more soup for dinner.

I don't mind it, since it gets me out of the house and I can walk and walk, which helps me get myself out of my head. Plus the sun was much needed, I love that the sun is out for longer and I can soak it up. Even for a few hours. Got home a bit late and we had a nice chat. Here's hoping that today is similarly action packed.

I've been looking for a fucking copy of the MLA Handbook and I'm just fed up of going up and down the city. So I just ended up ordering it from an Indigo kiosk and called it a day. I again got a mystery novel and ducked out of downtown super fucking fast.

I'm all for legalisation of weed, but I do miss the days that people hid to smoke it. I hate smelling like skunk weed on my way home. I also got my daily hike in and am now going home to eat salmon and veg out. I'm tired, but I needed it in order to do a hard reset of the old brain pan.

My hair is shedding and I'm a bit pissed about it happening. I know it's due to the stresses of last year, but I would like it to stop now thanks.

Trying Mane and Tail then.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Here it goes again- Ok Go

So I can't decide if it's just me having the emotional hangover, or if I have to tell some people it's been lovely and I have to go because I'm feeling so nihilist and scooped out at the moment. Or I need to be up there interacting with my family because it has been awhile. And food. I may need food.

I know that it could be the latter because I was watching a video of this kid who put those weird expandable bubbles in his bath and filled it up with water. They got all huge and he screwed up and not only backed up his house, but three houses, then the entire block with them and I cackled HARD. Oh my God I was dying because it was so stupid and he knows he's in shit too. Said so in French.

And I'm glad I had the foresight of looking up more communities here on dreamwidth cause I have been getting good recs. I'm going old school and reading all the SGA fics that I can find. It's quite soothing, actually.

Other than that, doing more laundry again. And waiting for my hair to dry. Just washed it and I figured out that if I put loads of conditioner on it before I wash it, I can get the castor oil out faster. I'm trying it out since so many swear by it. I have a big bottle of Argan and Castor Oil to use up so we'll see how that works.

I'm going to re-read "The Fiery Cross" and be pissed that they won't continue the TV tie in editions for lame reasons. Dudes, you KNEW they were huge ass books and that there were eight of them! And halfway through you just go "Meh." I'm annoyed. I was looking forward to getting those because I like tie-in novels. So sue me. I hate that they changed the covers to the dull one colour with a symbol. I liked the old ones that I started reading the series with. At least the UK ones are a bit better. Anyways.

Must be getting back to normal since I can get annoyed at book series covers and having them matched.

I'm now realising that I had an idea for writing a short Outlander fanfic for ages and I kind of want to get back to it. It's just one of those whatif things I keep on mentally riffing about. Anyways. Off to get dinner.

So it has been far too long and I am up too late due to sleeping for most of the evening and processing things. I've written a lot out about where I am at the moment and I admit that it is a bit discombobulated, but this is kind of like the screaming into the void and working through a lot of stuff that has been popping up here and there in my mind.

( Read more... )

Long story short: I got sick, niece got sick herself so I was carrying more of the load around the house.

I also have not really been keen on writing or being online other than messaging friends and reading. I've been trying to help out on beta reading for someone while trying to get my writing mojo back now that I have time to do so.

Just a bit blah at the moment and a bit uninspired.

Hope it passes soon.

I've been kind of not going to sleep when I should and sleeping away most of the day to my family's worry. I felt like I had to call a press conference to let everyone know that I'm not worried or depressed in any way.

I was knocked down a bit on my ass when the IB results came out due to me predicting better grades for my student and they kind of fell short. To be honest, they are decent grades and she can still get into the universities that she wants, but I felt like I had failed her somehow? Until I got it through my head that I did as much as I could for a first year teacher and to come in to fix a mess already in the making that could have sunk her, yeah.

I then just stayed up too damned late reading. Someone wrote this gorgeous German Wars of religion Quiobi and I had to finish it. It was worth it.

The problem now is that I am getting sick. I should have gotten my flu shot! I've got a sore throat, sniffly and just exhausted in general.

But I had to do some paperwork after my friend texted me about going into Malaysia without her work Visa. So I stayed up to do that. It's a relief to get all that stuff sorted out and my CV and Cover Letters as well as references and certificates uploaded and scanned. It was weighing on my mind, tbh.

I promised myself a break before I really went to look for work in earnest, but I wanted to have all my stuff prepped and ready to go just in case I found the break a bit too long and I saw something good in the meantime.

I also did some correspondence and am writing to try and unsnarl the fact that I got knocked on my ass last week and it took a bit to get over it again. So far so good.

I do need to put in some work on my WIP. I did some art stuff earlier. Ahsoka has become my muse for all these pinups I want to draw with her.

Reading-Working through Sepulchre too slowly for my taste. But I finished two books. The Mortal Engines and The Secret Place. Both were just meh to me for some reason. I can't put my finger on why I didn't find either of them as satisfying as I had hoped.

So that's it for the time being. I should be going to bed soon. 200 words is all I can hope for today.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Punk Rocker- Teddybears and Iggy Pop

I've not been as busy on here, cause I'm fielding multiple platforms. Again. And I haven't really been producing anything other than a piece of writing I did for a friend along with a few art pieces.

I am notorious for leaving half finished sketchbooks, I have found out. I just finished my last piece in my 2018 sketchbook and looked up other books. To my relief, I don't have as many as I thought. But to my annoyance, one is half finished and the other only has four pages used and the rest is brand new. Guess what I'm doing this year.

I fixed up a drawing in the half finished one that was pissing me off something awful because I knew the face proportions were wrong, but not sure how they were wrong. So I fixed it up nicely and got a better version of a Clone Trooper than I have gotten before. I guess the references I bought on Boxing day were not a waste after all.

Story work behind the cut. I need to get this over and done with before I get fed up and not finish it.

( Storytime )

Current Mood: productive

It's that time of the month, but this is the only time that I've had to actually want to either write or read something. So I'm trying to get two one shots sorted out. One is a Christmas present and the other is just for my own amusement.

I read the Republic one shot regarding Qui-Gon and I don't want to do too many spoilers of the issue because it's actually pretty good, but that is the basis of the other one shot I'm writing and whether Obi-Wan would fall in love with someone like Satine and Padme was the one that I thought would he'd fall in love with. So that's what I'm trying to write at this moment.

So far, it's not working out just yet. I will try that comic sans trick and see if it works out. I am not planning to write a long story. Just a one shot for each of the stories I'm planning.

Anyways, back to work. I'm hoping to write at least 500 words for each tonight and see what else can happen.

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: Fort Kickass
Current Music: none

So with the tumblr exodus, I decided to come back to dreamwidth just in case I got wiped out. I doubt it, but just in case...

Name is Helena, Elena, or Hels, any kind of those variations.

I've been in fandom for a while and I'm currently writing in the Star Wars verse, but I have done a lot of others.

I can be found on wattpad under eulenspiegel87 and archiveofourown.org/users/Velocity_Owl87

I'm usually pretty accessible, especially now since I've come back to Canada and the west after a two year stint in Malaysia teaching at an IB school.

I mostly write rare pairings and favourite characters are Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, The Clones and the Fetts.

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: Fort Kickass
Current Music: none